Ruminations on rediscovering Vernon my voodoo doll.

Aweh dearly beloved fellow ruminants & groupies

In the late 1990s, Andrew Bradford gave me a voodoo doll for my birthday. Who else can say they got a voodoo doll as a gift? I named him Vernon. Andrew just knew it was the perfect gift. Back in the 80s, 90s, and early 2000s, Andrew was part of our friend group. He was quirky, irreverent, funny, entrepreneurial – he was a big part of our lives, full of life. But then life got busy, work piled up, and we both started families. We drifted apart, not on purpose, just life happening. There were no disagreements just the relentless flow of work, raising our boys, and our frenetic lives.

Then, in January 2017, he was knocked down and killed by a hit-and-run driver while on an early morning cycle. We had not seen him for a while. There was no goodbye or opportunity for me to tell him how much he had enriched our lives. He was gone leaving his wife and two boys to pick up the pieces. The memorial service was packed to the rafters because this was a man who enriched the lives of so many. “Time is fleeting, madness takes its toll. I remember doing the Time Warp drinking those moments when the blackness would hit me”.

This week while rummaging through my bookshelf, hidden behind some books, I found my old friend Vernon the voodoo doll. In the latter part of my career, I became a subject matter expert, or so I was led to believe by the powers that be, with no one reporting to me but before this, I had a team of engineers reporting to me. On Fridays, we would gather for coffee and muffins and discuss work as well as life in general. Then I started wearing pink on Fridays and it became pink Fridays. Those who also wore pink received a pat on the back and a kind word. Those who didn’t just got a muffin.

Before I became all warm and fuzzy in my old age some said I was intimidating, and people were cautious to give me feedback. I took this to heart and realised that Vernon could serve as the perfect feedback mechanism. He was pinned up next to my office door with a generous supply of pins. Anybody could stick a pin into Vernon. Vernon has a good side and a bad side and, of course, his good side is shown in the featured image. The pins and their placement had not changed for more than a decade. Someone had wished I would find inner peace. I’m still searching for that.

At the end of each week, I would take stock of the pins to see what kind of a week it had been before resetting the pins for the coming week. Thus began my journey to become the kinder gentler person that I am today. Thank you, Andrew, and Vernon.

Yesterday I called a family meeting to introduce Vernon into the warm bosom of our family. We discussed the very important role that Vernon would play in improving family dynamics and allowing me to continue my journey to becoming gentler than a whisper in a library full of sleeping kittens. Vernon was ceremoniously installed on the door of the office Nerine, and I share.  

Both our boys have welcomed Vernon into our home and there is a renewed interest in voodoo and how voodoo dolls work. Do the pins apply only to me? Can I use them to bring good luck to my family members? As Connor set off this morning for a weekend trip to an archery competition, I put a good luck pin into Vernon as he left. Let’s see who gets lucky this weekend.

Given Vernon’s undoubted power, the question of whether we should worship him was discussed at dinner last night. Connor scolded me for assuming that Vernon is a he and we agreed that further thought was required regarding what Vernon’s pronouns are. Last night, Vernon appeared to me in a dream and thanked me for rediscovering him. He (interim pronoun for now) told me that reverence and worship would greatly improve outcomes. His power knows no limits but he only has one weakness. He is all-knowing and all-powerful but just extremely bad with money. He said I had been chosen because I am gifted with money. I am the chosen one.

Dearly beloved readers, now it’s up to you to donate generously. I’ll make sure it’s put to good use. Please also be assured that good things will start happening to you the more generously you give. Vernon’s power is real – take this seriously.

For those of you who might need more convincing, and harbour doubts I am available to provide inspiring sermons and examples of how other people’s lives have been transformed for the better. Vernon can help you to find inner peace if you pay the price.

Vernon also offered to assist with tackling all the United Nations sustainable development goals. This includes resolving climate change, poverty and malnutrition, world peace, and many other global problems.  He’s up to date on global issues and even speaks Trump’s language. Just needs funds. What’s not to like about Vernon?

I want to express my gratitude for all the ideas and comments received. I genuinely appreciate them, and please continue to share your thoughts.

Regards

Bruce