Ruminations on my black dog

I have a Black Dog, his name is depression

Aweh dearly beloved fellow ruminants & groupies

Some of my readers and (many) groupies have often commented to me in private that they have enjoyed my blogs but that I say things in a public forum that they would never discuss in a public forum if ever.  Avoiding difficult subjects and being deferential and tactful is not something that I do well. This has gotten me into plenty of trouble in my life and even I hesitated before writing today’s blog.

Winston Churchill popularised the phrase Black Dog to describe the bouts of depression he experienced for much of his life, it has become the shorthand for the disease that millions of people suffer from, often in shame and silence. I have a Black Dog as a companion, and he can be a terrible beast.

I can start by trying to justify why I am feeling depressed and if you let me, I think I can do a decent enough job of explaining why I am feeling depressed at any given time. However, I am not going to do that because my tale of woe is just not that compelling as tales of woe go. I am extremely privileged and blessed with a wonderful wife and family and all our essential material needs are catered for. There are billions of people who have serious real problems in comparison to me. Does knowing this stop me from having to deal with bouts of depression and anxiety. Not at all. I also thought that as I got older and moved into retirement that my life would get simpler and blissful. How naïve.

There is also a whole depression industry out there and there are any number of pharmaceuticals claiming to fix your depression. Some of these like the anti-anxiety drugs, benzodiazepines, are highly effective but are also dangerous, and if you use them too long become habit-forming and can cause extremely severe and extended withdrawal symptoms when you stop taking them. I recently watched the Netflix documentary, “Take Your Pills: Xanax”. I have never used these, and I never will. There is then a whole other class of drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI’s) which appear less dangerous.  I took a low dose of one of these for more than 20 years and it helped me to sleep better although I still struggled with insomnia at times. Then during the Covid-induced supply chain issues my particular and now old-fashioned anti-depressant was unavailable. Alternative newer drugs were offered but rightly or wrongly I decided to stop taking them. I had tried to stop before but did not like the withdrawal systems which included dizziness, insomnia, and anxiety. This time I just persisted and after a month or so the withdrawal symptoms abated, and I did not feel worse than before.

Of course, my bouts of depression take a toll on me but that does not bother me nearly as much as the suffering it causes for my wife and immediate family. My supportive family and wife are what provide meaning to my life. Often people I interact with express surprise if I say that I am often disagreeable and difficult. That is not how they experience me. Generally, I can control my behaviour with friends and colleagues to an extent. My family, however, is not shielded from my Black Dog. In consultation with my doctors, I have taken a personal decision to no longer pursue the SSRI pharmaceutical route. For now, I am not chemically castrating my black dog. Am I totally convinced that I have made the right decision? No, I am not, and I certainly do not judge others who go a different route. Will I go back to chemical castration? Perhaps.

So, what to do what to do? Back to Netflix, of course, and the celebrity psychiatrist Phil Stutz where yet another documentary movie awaits. I recently watched the documentary movie Stutz. I do not think this movie is for everybody, and it is rather long and parts of it somewhat esoteric and for those with less fortitude you do not need to watch all of it. The first 20 minutes where he discusses the Stutz pyramid and how you deal with your negative alter ego will suffice.

To deal with depression you need to start at the bottom of the pyramid and look after your body. Really simple stuff that we all know. Your body needs to be able to function well for your own mental health. Exercise, diet, and sleep. Exercising with my boys is tough but a joy, I am trying to eat a healthy diet and maintain a healthy weight, and I try to ensure I don’t go to bed too late to ensure a proper night’s sleep. If I don’t deal with these basics, the Black Dog is in the wings. The next level is your relationship with other people. As I become depressed, I am entirely capable of withdrawing entirely into my own mind and becoming a hermit. As perfect as my mind is this is profoundly unhealthy. Here I must thank Nerine, my wife and uber networker for forcing me out of my inner world and getting me to interact with a diverse group of people including people you don’t necessarily find interesting. Unfortunately, for me, there are a lot of those. Finally, you need to deal with yourself. The best way to deal with that, he suggests, is to write. He suggests a journal (or a blog?) that will force you to articulate what is in your mind or unconscious. Is this guy a genius or what? This blog is an important part of my mental health. It is part of what I need to do to tame the Black Dog. Phil Stutz has clearly articulated a plan of action that I have been trying to implement for several years.

Implementing the pyramid helps but it is not sufficient. You also need to be able to deal with your negative alter ego which he calls part X.  If you could simply banish part X then happiness awaits but the reality is you can’t. Not only can’t you banish part X but you need your negative alter ego in order to grow. Dealing with adversity involves pain, suffering, and uncertainty and are givens of the human condition. Nobody is immune. Dealing with pain and uncertainty requires constant work. It is through this process of work and dealing with adversity that you can find happiness. Perhaps part X and the Black Dog are one and the same and they are part of what makes me whole.

Thank you for all the ideas and comments. I really appreciate them and please keep them coming.

Regards

Bruce