Ruminations on Who You Are

Aweh dearly beloved fellow ruminants & groupies on day 149 of no lockdown.

 Period as an ivory tower academic 154 days

Do you know who you are? Who are you? This is also known as the Vorlon question from the science fiction series Babylon 5. There is then the related Shadow question, what do you want? The Vorlons are an ancient and very powerful alien race. This question covers matters of personal identity. What do you see yourself as, as compared to how you define yourself in terms of others – and indeed, how much do you accept others’ definitions of who and what you are?

Yesterday my youngest son, Connor, turned 19. When he was born, I was 42 and I went into a deep think about who I was and who I wanted to be. I wanted to be realistic and keep it as simple as possible so decided that I am a middle-aged family man. I needed to accept that I was no longer young, had officially entered middle age and that my primary responsibility was to my family. This could then inform the Shadow question regarding what I wanted. I wanted the best for my family. Perhaps, at times, I did not fully live up to this but when reflecting on what needed to be done, I tried to come back to these ideals.

I have watched many middle-aged friends and colleagues who did not accept this identity resulting in midlife crises and broken families which almost always results in suffering and hardship for the family. Although it has not always been easy, I am proud that our family is together and that we are well on the way to launching two very different boys into the world.

You do not stay middle-aged forever and so my identity as a middle-aged family man has a sell-by date. When does middle-age end? Some say it can be defined as the time between about 45 and 65. Yet others define it as being between 40 and 60. Younger people see 60 as old whereas older people prefer to extend middle age. Logically after middle age comes old age but, in this day and age of political correctness, there are more euphemistic terms like senior citizens.

Do I still identify as a middle-aged family man? Perhaps I can cling to this for a couple more years, but its relevance is fading. Maybe my being a middle-aged family man hasn’t reached its sell-by date, but it has reached its best-before date. I now need to go into another deep think about what comes after being a middle-aged family man. There is a certain appeal to identifying as a grumpy old man and I know that I have been exhibiting this character trait at times and will probably, especially if provoked, continue to be irritable. Still, I confess to aspiring to more than that. Up to now, I have identified as a cisgender male and I have been happy with that. Perhaps now is the time to develop some gender confusion. Maybe being male isn’t all that it is cracked up to be. However, if being a woman involves becoming more empathetic perhaps it’s better that I see out my remaining years as a man.

What do I want? When I was younger, I wanted more. I wanted to be promoted and a bigger cheese and that didn’t go as well as expected. I wanted a bigger house and a faster car, and I got that. I no longer want more and am now starting to want less. We have too much and may simplify in the future. Why did we acquire all that stuff? It’s creating complexity in my life.

Part of me wants to do much less but my restless mind is interfering and so I continue to work as an academic, blog and be involved in the community.

Perhaps it is my age but, in this internet, and social media age it is my perception that there has been a dumbing down of society. The bullshit is flowing at record levels. My bullshit deflectors are very fit. Perhaps the world still needs me to speak truth to bullshit but then again perhaps not. Perhaps I have a future as a naysayer. Do I want to be loved and lovable? Is there such a thing as a lovable naysayer?

Does your identity change as you age? Although there are parts of my identity that are the same as thirty years ago my identity has changed and it will continue to evolve. I am not the same person as when I was thirty.  I think I might be having an identity crisis. It’s not only teenagers that have identity crises while they are trying to work out who they are and where they fit in. I had my first identity crisis as a teenager and then a second as I entered middle age and now I am having my third. A third identity crisis as you transition into old age is a thing.

Dear beloved readers, I’m in search of myself. Have you seen me anywhere? How do you see me?  What should I be?

Thank you for all the ideas and comments. I really appreciate them and please keep them coming.

Regards

Bruce