Aweh, My Dearly Beloved Fellow Ruminants & Groupies
Forgive me, groupies, it has been three weeks since my last bloviation. As you know, I like fancy words to make me look clever and if you don’t know them, to make you feel inferior.
Let’s begin today’s sermon with one of my favourite words.
What Is Bloviation, Anyway?
Bloviation is the act of speaking at excessive length in a pompous or boastful way, often using inflated language to appear knowledgeable or impressive, but with little actual substance. It is the intellectual drag show of speech: big hair, big heels, and way too many words. It struts in, flexes a thesaurus, and performs a monologue nobody asked for. It loves the sound of its own voice and will take five syllables when two would do. Sounds vaguely familiar?
Waffling: The Lukewarm Cousin
Waffling, on the other hand, is indecisive flat beer served lukewarm. Apologies to my UK readers. It flips, flops, and flutters like a silk scarf in a light breeze. It doesn’t commit, doesn’t clarify, and somehow says nothing even after saying something. And worst of all? It drones on like Cyril explaining load-shedding schedules: long, confusing, and still no light.
Enter Blaffle: The Ultimate Smoke Machine
When bloviation, bullshitting, and waffling merge, you get blaffle a potent linguistic smoke machine. It’s long-winded and indecisive, puffed-up and slippery. Facts are optional. A speech style that dazzles with drama while expertly dodging commitment.
This is what I aspire to: confusing, long-winded, but impressive sounding. This is what you need to be a great politician.
Trump: The Budget Blaffler
Does Donald Trump blaffle? He gets two and a half out of three. Full marks for bullshitting and waffling. He does speak at excessive length in a pompous and boastful way but with a limited vocabulary. Call it budget bloviation, if you like.
He loves the word great. Perhaps he should consider something more regal, like puissant, meaning mighty and powerfully great. It carries the tone of power, wearing a velvet robe. We don’t just want greatness, we want puissance.
Make America Puissant Again™.
For my South African readers, this has a particular and deeper meaning which I will not elaborate on here.
If he needs a speechwriter, I’m available. Just don’t mention the visa.
Am I Blaffling Myself?
Some have warned that I may never get an American visa again. Perhaps they’re right. But if I sharpen my blaffle game and offer my services as a political speechwriter, who knows?
Also, I’m one-quarter Afrikaner. That might count in my favour. Or at least buy me some time at passport control.
Cyril Ramaphosa: The Waffling Whisperer
Now, let’s turn to our own dearly beloved leader and corruption fighter: Cyril Ramaphosa.
Perhaps blaffling doesn’t fully fit him. Waffling, definitely. But more than that, procrastination is his superpower.
A national dialogue to make a plan for a plan to begat a subcommittee to roadmap the framework for drafting the guidelines, all in pursuit of a masterplan to be superseded by a visionary meta-framework for transformation.
His leadership style? Waffcrastination. Articulate, calm, and ever-so-slightly evasive. Promises are made. Committees are formed. And action? Well, it’s pending final consultation and a commission of inquiry chaired by a retired judge. But perhaps I judge too soon. Maybe next week, he’ll launch the Implementation Plan Implementation Council. I live in hope.
The Four Ancient Ingredients of Political Performance
Because let’s be honest: political leadership isn’t just about policy, it’s about performance art. To lead, you don’t just need a plan. You need a microphone (or a blog), a mood, and a bit of magic.
And that magic? It’s brewed from four ancient ingredients:
The Blaffler’s Glossary
- Waffling
The warm-up. Soft, vague, and agreeable—like promising action “soon soon.” - Bullshitting
The flair. Narratives that feel true but aren’t too concerned with facts. - Bloviation
The power stance. Big words, big tone, saying little but sounding powerful. - Procrastination
Governance in slow motion. Delays disguised as consultation, waiting out the outrage. And if you play it just right, people get tired, energy fades, confusion sets in, and the public moves on to the next crisis, the next scandal, the next load-shedding schedule.
Final Thoughts
So, if you’re wondering what it really takes to be a leader or to fake one with confidence and a straight face, know this: it’s not about truth, action, or even results. It’s about tone, timing, and tactical fog.
You must waffle just enough to soothe, bullshit just enough to distract, bloviate just enough to impress, and procrastinate just long enough for the problem to disappear or for people to forget what the problem was in the first place.
This isn’t failure. It’s strategy.
It’s not cowardice. It’s choreography.
It’s the delicate art of doing nothing while sounding like you’re doing everything.
And let’s be honest, between commissions, slogans, and circular masterplans, it’s worked well enough so far. Why break tradition?
So, my beloved ruminants: stay puissant, stay procrastinating, and remember if you can’t fix it, form a committee about it.
Thanks for all the comments and input.
Bruce
Ruminant Pink Friday 