Ruminations on abuse

Aweh dearly beloved fellow ruminants & groupies

This week, for reasons I can’t quite comprehend, I found myself engrossed in the new Netflix documentary series, “Depp v. Heard.” Last year I was vaguely aware of this because it dominated the news, but I didn’t pay much attention. This documentary exposed unsettling layers of sordid details aired in a courtroom battle. There was a lot about this documentary that was very disturbing on many levels. From my perspective, neither Johnny Depp nor Amber Heard emerged from this ordeal unscathed. The excessive media attention and the ensuing social media frenzy cast a shadow on our collective humanity. The polarised discourse and extreme stances taken reflect the deep divisions within our society. The vitriolic outpouring directed at both parties on social media is a disheartening testament to our darker instincts. Why are we so drawn to witnessing and engaging in the suffering of others? The jubilation among Depp’s supporters upon the verdict was a stark reminder of our own contradictory fascinations.

I’m acutely aware of my own hypocrisy in this matter. Why did I choose to watch this documentary? Why am I now writing this blog post about it? Could it be that I derive some form of satisfaction from the suffering and abuse endured by others? It’s a disconcerting thought, and perhaps I ought to consider seeking counselling.

So, what is abuse? A practical definition is the infliction of cruelty or violence upon someone, especially in a repetitive or consistent manner. We seem captivated by the spectacle of abuse when it’s committed by others, treating it as a form of spectator sport. It’s clear that acts causing physical harm or injury constitute abuse, but what about actions like pushing or shoving? Cruelty is a far more intricate concept, characterised by the infliction of physical or mental harm on another individual. In the case of Depp and Heard, both parties were guilty of cruelty. We derive a strange pleasure from observing and commenting on the intimate lives of others, often from a position of self-righteous indignation, as though we ourselves are above reproach when it comes to abusive behaviour.

I self-identify as a grumpy old man. But when does grumpiness cross the line into cruelty? Recently, someone who interacted with me for the first time remarked that she didn’t find me grumpy. I replied that I was displaying my best behaviour.  In a candid conversation with my boys, they pointed out that while I rarely displayed grumpiness towards friends or strangers, it wasn’t uncommon for me to be grumpy at home. Many of us, including myself, strive to maintain a pleasant facade in public while struggling to uphold the same behaviour within our families. Work environments can also transform into intimate spaces due to the extended time spent with colleagues, making it easier for our masks to slip. I’ve witnessed cruelty in the workplace, especially in hierarchical organisations where those at the top of the pecking order often mistreat those beneath them. Cruel managers are sometimes excused in the name of achieving positive results.

So, dear readers, who among you can honestly claim never to have been cruel to a family member or subordinate? I confess to uttering or doing things I later regret, crossing the line from grumpiness to cruelty. If these moments were to be recorded and shared on social media, it wouldn’t paint a flattering picture of me. Perhaps there are individuals who never engage in cruelty, but I suspect they are rare, and I’m certainly not one of them. Life can be incredibly stressful, and life in South Africa is no exception. It can test even the most patient souls, causing us to occasionally deviate from our best behaviour. On the other hand, it’s vital to assert oneself when necessary, and grumpiness can be an effective tool in that regard. However, it’s alarmingly easy to overstep and become cruel. When I find myself being cruel, I strive to make amends and commit to not repeating those actions. Yet, life’s frustrations can sometimes overpower my resolve, and I must admit that I’m a repeat offender. I also acknowledge that impure thoughts occasionally creep into my mind, but thankfully, technology has not yet advanced to the point where these thoughts can be broadcast on social media.

What happens when our ill-considered words or actions are thrust onto social media platforms? Often, they spread like wildfire, and people revel in virtue signalling and condemning the offender. Instead of showing compassion, they respond with cruelty, as if the transgressor’s wrongdoing justifies such treatment.

Abuse and cruelty should never be condoned, but we must ponder the appropriate response. Is it justifiable to combat cruelty with cruelty? What about momentary lapses in judgment or Freudian slips? Should someone who utters something they shouldn’t be condemned, and if so, for how long? What is the suitable “penance”? How long should you spend in the sin bin?

Consider this: if someone delivers a racist tirade and refuses to apologize, should they be sentenced to jail? Vicky Momberg, who remained unrepentant after launching a racist and abusive tirade at a police officer following a smash-and-grab incident, ultimately found herself incarcerated for her words. Social media was rife with jubilation and virtue signalling. If racist speech warrants imprisonment, where do we draw the line with other forms of prejudice? What are the boundaries of permissible speech?

Can you say “Jehovah”?. The Monty Python skit is both instructive and hilarious. Should you also face legal consequences if you use a forbidden term in private, only for it to be recorded and broadcast on social media? Is it right to derive satisfaction from witnessing the punishment of those who employ forbidden and abusive language?

In the midst of all these questions, where has our compassion for human frailty gone?

I want to express my gratitude for all the ideas and comments received. I genuinely appreciate them, and please continue to share your thoughts.

Regards

Bruce